Have you ever tried separation? Ever tried it with anxiety? I have. I actually do it every other week, cause then I leave Stockholm for Gothenburg and the other way around. Honestly, I feel sorrow every time I leave one city, love and happiness when I reach another and kind of confused in between, but it does not matter. Right now I am standing with one foot in each municipality and I love it. Therefore I guess I recommend separation filled with anxiety, even though it is hard and sometimes exhausting and definitely once or twice brings out the tears. Because you learn to appreciate and revalue different things in life, actually all things, and people. And my own appearance and existence.
I do not understand how it happens, but it seems like I have spent the last couple of years in some kind of rush, like I am always running late for something. And trying to multitask, just to check things off the to do list, trying to ease the weight that I have put on my own shoulders. Sweating, rushing, running, telling myself that it has to change, that I have to rethink my behavior and plan better. Still, I almost always make the deadline or whatever it might be that I am rushing for, just in time.
Last week it was all the same, no exception, I was running around, looking for a street in Stockholm that I had never heard of, trying to find my way and make my appointment on time. Of course I was multitasking, trying to understand a map, drinking a take away tea and chatting with a friend on Facebook at the same time, trying to find an opening in my busy schedule during my next visit in Gothenburg for her and me to sit down and have coffee together.
I am a proud owner of a smartphone. Unfortunately it is not always very smart, according to me, even though it tries to be. You see, while chatting with my friend I once again had to explain what made me move to Stockholm, and at the same time I realized that I once again was lost in Stockholm and late for my meeting. Therefore I just wrote quickly in Swedish that everything almost happened in one day, without realizing that I misspelled some words. Fortunately a smartphone can tell when you misspell something and therefore correct the error for you, unfortunately in this case, it corrected everything but created something totally different than the message that I wanted to send.
I wanted to say “Everything happened in one day”, in Swedish “Allt hände på en dag”, but because of me not being able to spell the phone wrote “Allt hände på grund av en dam” (if you translate it, “Everything happened because of a lady”). And yes, my friend, who has seen me around with different men, might know that I have been engaged with a guy and so on, probably stopped breathing for a little bit. Then she asked; “Lady…?” (Dam) and since I really did not have time to read the full message and figured that she was the one who could not spell I said “yeah, yeah, whatever” or something like that.
The day after we spoke again concering that space in our calendars that we were looking for. This time I was not stressed out or in any kind of rush, this time I was folding laundry and was fully focused on my conversation with her. Therefore it came as a chock when she asked me to tell her everything about this special lady of mine. Was she the love of my life? Did it not feel funny to move for love? Let us just say that it took us like 30 minutes and lots of laughter to sort out what really went down.
Almost 36 hours. That is how long my friend believed that I was gay. That means that she had 36 hours to spread the word. I do not really care though, worse things have happened so I did not even ask her find out if she had told anyone. Cause really, it does not change a thing. It does not matter if you are in to boys or girls, or maybe both. You are hopefully still the same person, and that is the important part.
Sure, I have to admit that there have been times in life when I have hated men and that I have wished that I was a lesbian, or at least a bisexual, but that I have to live with the fact that I am straight. And, I have several friends that choose people of their own sex in front of the opposite, and I am not sure that their love lives always are much easier than mine. I do not believe that it is a question of gender; it is the emotions that cause the problems I think.
But even though everything was a huge misunderstanding I was very happy, cause the entire situation really showed how open minded my friends are. Apparently I can do and become almost anything over night, they still appreciate and approve, they stick by my side and stay there not matter what. That epiphany made me realize something once again, knowledge I should remember everyday.
I am so grateful for my life and everyone that I have let in to be a part of it. So happy that I am allowed to be whomever I would like to be, no matter what the change implicates. And of course it is the other way around too, very few things would make me take a step back and out of a friendly relationship. Never be judgemental, that is only your loss.
So now I will try to remember this. I am glad that I have chosen the people in my life with care. Overexcited that nothing really can break us all and the bond we share and that they will never judge me. Cause that is real friendship. That is love. I hope it will last forever.