The worst episodes in your life you try to forget – but still they will hunt you.

”I love it when you’re honest. Cause when you talk, you really speak the truth. No matter what.”

A friend told me that no too long ago. Or not just only a friend, she is actually a very good friend, someone that I care about a lot and that I probably would walk through fire for if she asked me to. Anyhow, she thinks that I am honest and I guess I am. Somewhat anyhow. Still, she does not know me inside and out. Few people do. Cause very few people know my secrets and why I act like I do, proceed with things no one else understands and so on. I am honest, yes, but not as much as I could. And it is very rare that I speak about these things because the memories are sad and makes me feel sick to my gut. The truth is that I have been running the past 14 years, trying to forget, but now I understand that it is so much harder than I ever earlier understood. Maybe because I’ve recently met someone who demands answers and progress since he cares about me. He wants to understand me because he loves me, and suddenly I can’t escape.

You try to escape – but it is just a matter of time. The worst episodes in your life you try to forget – but still they will hunt you. How fast can you run?

I thought I put it in the basement, locked the door and threw away the key. That is how long ago it was that I allowed myself to think about it. About him, the sick person that I actually spent a few years with, stood by his side, shared the same bed. The guy who had been a soldier and was scared for life. The person who looked like a man but inside was a boy, and when it came to self-esteem, almost an infant. A human being so insecure that he made our home my prison, wouldn’t let me out and made me turn my back to all my friends and family. Today that would never happen, but back then I was young, didn’t know any better, and if I ever tried to argue he threatened to kill himself.

After a couple of years of a living hell I actually spoke to a friend about it, and since everyone in my circle had seen me atrophy the passed years she said what I probably would have said if the situation had been reverse. Please don’t let him own you, please come back to us. If he threatens to commit suicide, just let him. In the long run, if he really wants to die, there is nothing you can do to stop him.

She was right of course; it is never your responsibility to save someone else’s life. For sure, you can help them out, trying to make them feel better and try to place other thoughts in their head and change their mind, but ultimately – it is always their will and responsibility – not yours or anyone else’s. Even though I blamed myself when I broke up with him and he, before my eyes, tried to kill himself by jumping off the balcony, falling 12 meters, breaking his back.

Yes, he survived. And I am such a bad person because I have wished so many times that he wouldn’t have. That he would have died, cause everything that followed that suicide attempt in my life is wrapped in sorrow. To make a very long story short, today he lies about why he is in a wheel chair and when it comes to me he has a restriction order for life. But still.

I have tried to forget about this incident, about him, but apparently I still have nightmares. Fortunately they occur very seldom, but still. They appear when I meet someone that can tear down my walls and get under my skin. Cause it frightens me since when you get there, that is when you can actually hurt me, break me and crush me. Cause that is when I am weak. A few people, all men, have managed and every time I have lost a little bit of hope and trust in humanity. Gotten more scared and promised myself never to love again.

But of course I did. Thank God I did.

He says that this time is different; and he forces me to challenge my fears. That is strange to me, and so far he has managed a lot of good things in my life. That is different to, I am not used to that kind of claims, requirements and support. He found the key and is cleaning my basement, starting a yard sale and selling all my crap to the highest bidder. And I am letting him without arguing.

Yes, this time might be special. I do not know. I just know that you can be honest in different ways, and I haven’t been really true to all the people around me. I just changed that though, I just shared one of the tearing and awful moments in my life. Therapy they call it.

Not only for him, not only for us, plain and simple – mostly for me.

Dating, mating and getting it straight – a second chance?

I have been getting a lot of emails, text messages and calls lately. All because I haven’t written anything, not even posted small details, used my blog at all. The only excuse I have got is that there has not been enough time these past weeks, and apparently for me Stockholm is not enough since I have been traveling back and forth between worlds, different life’s. And when I haven’t been on the road I have had company, visitors from all around the world. I have to say that I love my life, enjoying the new way of breathing, never alone but still anonymous in a huge city. It couldn’t be better. Or maybe it could, or will be.

Ok, like this. I have been dating, and according to me – A LOT. I mean, I haven’t really been single the past 8 years, so now I have been really dating. The Stockholm style I sort of kind of figure. That means that you “hook up” with someone interesting through friends, a dating site, waiting for the subway or whatever, and after getting his or her number or giving out your own, you go on a date. No, rephrase. You go on ONE date. I have come to understand why Stockholm is the city with the most single households in the world, and to me, one of the reasons for this is that it seems like people here are more picky than I am used to.

My grandparents told me that back in the day when you found someone that you fell in love with, and that person loved you back, then you stuck with that person. For forever and ever. No matter what. Cause that was the greatest gift of all, to love and to be loved back in return. Of course all couples had problems back then too, but you fought through it, gave it all they had. Grandma said that it was another meaning to “In sickness and in health” back then, and she should know, cause my dad has another sibling that he first found out about in his early twenties. It is like this in my village too, when you find someone you usually stick with them, if not forever at least for a long time. Today it might be just like that when it comes to smaller places, when there is not “too much to offer”. I do not mean by this that people settle more easily, quite the opposite; maybe they fight for love in a different way. A stronger and better way. In Stockholm offerings are so much wider, therefore people don’t have time to date the same person if there isn’t enough chemistry from the beginning. And it is usually not since you are dating many people at the same time, only give the person that you are dating for that particular moment a maximum of 2 hours before it is time to date someone else, try someone else or even do someone else. Everything is hastier in Stockholm, hectic and fast.

Anyhow, now I tried it. I wanted to try the dating world the SATC waym and I did. All in and no regrets, be a “trydateual” – about to try anything once. But I have to say, looking back with hindsight, I believe that I in one way or another wanted to prove that people in Stockholm are much more picky and shallow than elsewhere. Well, concerning all the messages I have received lately that mostly have included one question; did I manage to meet someone special? And I will put it like this, hold your horses and don’t get ahead of yourself. I do not know the answer to that yet. Or at least not really.

Just to start with, free dating online (Happy Pancake) and the nanny from up north. We emailed back and forth and with time we started to send text messages and speak on the phone. After some time we decided to meet up for coffee and the first thing that hit me was that he did not look anything like the pictures. Didn’t really matter since I have never cared about looks, but still. Interesting.

We had coffee together and he talked and talked for what felt like ages. About himself, his job, his friends, his family. I did not mind at first, cause I like talkative people, but after 45 minutes of consistent talking and telling more or less the same story all over again and again, I got tired. And it also seemed that he had some kind of mother issue since he had to phone home every hour, since apparently his mom was his best friend. I asked if he liked E.T. but he didn’t get the joke. I know, I should have learned from earlier experiences that I shouldn’t date stupid men, but decided to give him another chance. Cause at this particular moment I did believe that everyone should get at least two chances before judgement. In this case that unfortunately meant me having to listen to his gibber for another hour.

So I had to tell a little white lie, even though I don’t like lying and also, I am not very good at it. Actually – I suck. But I was so tired of him that I really needed to get away from him, escape, and therefore I said that I had to go shopping for my sister. On a Sunday, 20 minutes before closing time. Not very credible, but are lies ever? Anyhow, I think he got the point, cause I never spoke to him again. Went home and continued to date online, realized that from now on I shouldn’t wait too long to meet up with the guys that caught my attention. It is stupid to waste time. At least when it comes to dating.

Therefore, the day after I met up with Mr Smiley, that was his nickname. He took me to play pool, and of course he was sort of kind of a professional. Wanted to impress and show off, which he did. Of course I was bored, but I don’t think that he ever noticed my yawning because of his own achievements when it came to the pool table, that is why the funniest part through out the whole date was when he farted.

I did hear a sound, but sometimes you are not sure. It could have been something else, a chair, another person in that crowded room, or maybe just something you can’t really pinpoint. Still, you do not really know that it was a fart until you feel the smell, and yes, that I did. And he blushed, so I sort of kind of figured that he would take the blame for it. Since I am sort of cool like that, find most kind of wind natural (I am lactose intolerant people) I could have cared less. The thing that bugged me, and still bothers me, though, was that he blamed me. “What did you do?” he yelled and I probably seemed kind of guilty since I started to laugh like crazy. “Me?” I answered, “I didn’t do anything!” and that was true, cause I usually admit to it if it is me leaking gas. He didn’t want to back track though, probably because he was embarrassed (at this point the people at that table next to us had realized that someone farted), so I decided that him screaming and accusing me for farting on our first date, that was my cue for leaving. We actually did text a couple of times after that occurrence but in this case I made an exception, everyone is not worthy of a second chance, so I never saw him again.

After this I was kind of convinced that dating online was not for me, that the guys using Internet and its dating services were all ogres one way or another. I dated a few more, got more or less the same result out of those dates and decided to try another page, the same thing but still new to me.

This was much more fun though I have to say. Everything was faster, you did not have to email back and forth, now you got to chat with the ones that you were interested in, could block every guy that you wanted to erase from your knowledge and you could say that I got to behave like a true bitch and believe me, I loved it. It was, and probably still is, a woman’s world – finally – and all the girls are given the chance to be really selective about whom they want to talk to. Most guys I didn’t even answer, I just loved the attention, the computer beeping like every 20 seconds when I got an email from someone telling me that he fancied me. It was fun, different and really amusing. Yes, there are A LOT of weirdos on Badoo and yes, they really want to meet someone special too, just like you and me. Short and sweet, your job as a sane woman is just to avoid them, is that is what you want that is.

Me and the sweetest girl ever, Blondie from Partille who also is using Badoo, went to a dinner party and we had a great time answering all the crazy people and having a whole lot of fun through conversations with them. Mean? Probably a little bit, but I actually don’t think that most of the guys that we answered understood that we were passing the phones around the dinner table. If they did, they didn’t say, and anyhow, I did apologize the day after and then most guys that we had talked to found it funny. At least that is what they said.

Anyhow, during the dinner party I was only clear about one thing. My friends were allowed to answer whom ever, except one guy. Weird, I know, cause I had only spoken to him briefly, but it was something there, something about him, and even though I couldn’t really explain it I didn’t want to mess anything up even though it was on an early stage. Then I didn’t know what the future would hold and today I am so glad that I made that decision, but that is a different story. A story I will tell in a near future, I just have to pinch myself a couple of times first.

But yes, after doing this kind of dating survey I have to say that I, as a woman, prefer Badoo when it comes to different dating services. It is fast and fun, and you get a whole lot of answers even though you might have a rainy day. It is good for your heart and health, and I have a lot of female friends that agree with me. Maybe you met someone special online? Please let me know, I love it when people share their ideas, secrets and suggestions when it comes to new try outs.

Well, time to conclude for now, but this time I will leave you with an example of Badoo. The guy is really sweet, but a bit too intense for my taste. If anyone of you Swedes out there fancy his was of expressing himself, please let me know though and I will hook you up. If not, maybe this conversation will make you laugh. And yes, he knows that I am posting it in my blog.

XXX — lördag, 20 april 2013 00:24
XXX — lördag, 20 april 2013 00:29
snygg är du
XXX — lördag, 20 april 2013 00:36
skulle vilja träffa dig
XXX — lördag, 20 april 2013 00:46
Shamone — lördag, 20 april 2013 00:47
Visst, var gör du nästa tisdag?
XXX — lördag, 20 april 2013 00:48
hmm jag är ledig den dag
Shamone — lördag, 20 april 2013 00:50
Det är tyvärr inte jag
XXX — lördag, 20 april 2013 00:50
XXX — lördag, 20 april 2013 00:51
de klart att du är också ledig den dag för mig
Shamone — lördag, 20 april 2013 00:52
Vad gillar du?
XXX — lördag, 20 april 2013 00:54
gillar allt som går att gilla
Shamone — lördag, 20 april 2013 00:57
Shamone — lördag, 20 april 2013 00:57
XXX — lördag, 20 april 2013 00:58
din bror ?
Shamone — lördag, 20 april 2013 00:59
Du gillar väl inte killar eller?
XXX — lördag, 20 april 2013 01:00
nää absolut inte gillar bara tjejer som dig
Shamone — lördag, 20 april 2013 01:01
XXX — lördag, 20 april 2013 01:02
klart hjärtat min
Shamone — lördag, 20 april 2013 01:13
Vet inte om vi är helt rätt för varandra… Jag är egentligen ganska blyg…..
XXX — lördag, 20 april 2013 01:39
se det så här istället bebis att livet är fullet med oväntan besök när man mist anar det lilla extra
XXX — lördag, 20 april 2013 01:59
våran kemi passar bra och fin ihop
XXX — lördag, 20 april 2013 03:48
puss och kram på dig hjärtat
XXX — lördag, 20 april 2013 03:48
natti natti
XXX — lördag, 20 april 2013 15:52
hej mitt hjärta
XXX — lördag, 20 april 2013 15:55
vårt kroppskemi passar bra ihop med varandra
XXX — måndag, 22 april 2013 00:12
heeej mitt söta hallon
XXX — måndag, 22 april 2013 00:13
hoppas allt är bra me dig
XXX — måndag, 22 april 2013 00:26
hjärtat är du där
XXX — måndag, 22 april 2013 00:39
varför skriver du inte mer för ?
XXX — måndag, 22 april 2013 00:47
XXX — måndag, 22 april 2013 00:47
XXX — måndag, 22 april 2013 00:48
du skriver inte mer ?
XXX — måndag, 22 april 2013 01:20
varför blyg hjärtat
XXX — måndag, 22 april 2013 01:41
kanske du tycker att jag ful eller
XXX — måndag, 22 april 2013 02:27
XXX — måndag, 22 april 2013 15:48
hmm blir nån träff imorgon eller ?
XXX — måndag, 22 april 2013 22:09
svara gullet
XXX — tisdag, 23 april 2013 00:21
vad görs
XXX — tisdag, 23 april 2013 01:12
XXX — tisdag, 23 april 2013 12:59
ska vi ses idag eller hur blir det
XXX — tisdag, 23 april 2013 13:35
XXX — tisdag, 23 april 2013 17:36
XXX — tisdag, 23 april 2013 17:40
XXX — tisdag, 23 april 2013 22:12
är jag dumpad
XXX — onsdag, 24 april 2013 14:56
jag såg ju fram emot att träffa dig
XXX — torsdag, 25 april 2013 23:48
hej allt bra me dig
XXX — fredag, 26 april 2013 19:28
hej habibe
XXX — fredag, 26 april 2013 20:08
XXX — tisdag, 30 april 2013 20:23
hej bebis
XXX — onsdag, 01 maj 2013 20:43
hej mitt hjärta
XXX — onsdag, 01 maj 2013 23:22
habibe är så sugen på att träffa dig ska du allt veta
XXX — måndag, 06 maj 2013 20:57
hej gullet allt bra me dig
XXX — måndag, 06 maj 2013 21:00
vill gå hand i hand me dig hjärtat gullet
XXX — måndag, 06 maj 2013 22:58
XXX — tisdag, 07 maj 2013 21:19
varför skriver du inte
XXX — tisdag, 07 maj 2013 21:49
du är ju bal och skön som tjej coolt
XXX — tisdag, 07 maj 2013 23:14
hjärta gull ser fram emot att träffa dig
XXX — tisdag, 07 maj 2013 23:18
varför skriver du inte tillbaka
XXX — onsdag, 08 maj 2013 00:11
det finns inget att vara blyg och klart att vi är rätt för varandra
XXX — onsdag, 08 maj 2013 00:25
säg något sötnos
XXX — onsdag, 08 maj 2013 00:51
vill du växla nummer