Recycling your ex – deal or no deal?

17ord 

The other day I once again realized that you never know what will happen in life. Things that you are over, relations that you think that you have ended, might cross your path later on in life by coincidence. Or maybe someone else’s choices. The funny part is your own reaction in that particular situation, the way you feel and react. Again, life never turns out the way you expected it to.

12 years ago I attended the university and I met this guy. That guy. The one who made my heart pound, made me hum and croon and made me feel like I was walking on sunshine. I was so much in love, and until recently I thought that I would never ever feel anything close to that for anyone again, but fortunately time heals all wounded hearts. I do remember that we had a great relationship in the beginning, but after a while things got out of hand. Except from that I seem to have repressed it all. I do that when things get too rough. I forget. And learn how to live without that person including the memories. I was the one who broke up, cause we were not on the same page in life. We were young, too young, but I had already seen the world, spoke several languages and knew where I wanted life to take me. He had never been abroad and no dreams what so ever concerning conquering the world. Värmland was too small for me, at the time it was enough for him. It was really hard to leave the relationship behind, especially since the feelings were still there, and it took me ages to get over him fully. Even though I was engaged to another man, whom I loved very much, I still thought of my ex from time to time, missing him and wondering what could have happened.

We both lived our lives and sometimes we ran in to each other along the way. Often during different work out conventions, and to me that man is very much Globen and the after party. He gave me some drunken proposals, we had so much fun and I ended up donating one of his garments to a homeless guy. We have been friends for ages and no matter our history our paths have crossed we have had a great time. Therefore it wasn’t too weird for me to meet up with him a couple of weeks ago when he contacted me and said that he was coming to Stockholm. We had never spoken about what happened back in 2003-2005 and my plan was not to do so either, we said that we were to go out for coffee and to me that is very casual and therefore no need for emotional conversations.

He picked me up at the gym and honestly I do not know how coffee became wine and him hanging paintings in my apartment. Well, he has always been helpful and a true handyman, the paintings were straight and the wine was good so no need to argue. Wine at my place became dinner at a fancy restaurant and some clubbing at Café Opera. During dinner he spoke lots and lots about what we used to do, what we used to be. That was the time when I realized that the mind is so clever. His lips was moving and I could hear him, but I had repressed everything. He spoke about movies, songs and our apartment. How we met and all the dates. I smiled and had some more wine. He spoke about memories and experiences and I laughed and had another drink. Honestly, it was so much fun to see him again, so much fun to talk to him like we used to, but the way he spoke about me was a bit scary though since I did not remember  anything. ANYTHING. It felt like I was lost in translation, that I had repressed years of my life, and that really made me think after we said good bye. It was not really good bye, it felt like there was a need of something more, the feeling of something coming to life was impending even though I was sure that it was not real, on the contrary sentimentality. But he said that he was sure, that it was real and we continued to speak and text until I got a slight panic attack.

I spoke to Jane about it, I truly love my sessions with her. I know I am paying great money for her time, but still. She always cleans me up, make me see things. Sure, my ex and I, we used to have something beautiful, and honestly in one way we still do. But it can never work, no matter what and we both know that. Even though I have repressed most things I do believe that this is only old feelings playing us, trying to trick us. He on the other hand says that he knows that his feelings are real, and he still tells me the loveliest things ever and makes me so happy. Cause everyone wants to feel loved and appreciated. But still, do not recycle even though his words make you jubilant and alive again. I know that it would never work because of the distance and all the other things that haven’t changed. And I know that I might be projecting feelings from my latest ex. If you are not completely over someone it’s stupid to start something new with someone else.

So I told him, my old ex. Said that I only want to be friends. That I care for him very much, but that I am not going to open that door since I do not want to watch the shit hit the fan again. I don’t remember it doing so, but I know it did and therefore it will again, sooner or later. I told him again that I do not believe that anything that we might feel is real, not anymore, there are only memories and I don’t even remember the good ones cause that is how I work. My body, heart and soul seem to remember something, but that is not enough. The brain has to play along too. In some ways he approved even though he did not agree completely, but finally he accepted my wishes. Before that he of course said all those beautiful things that I have been wanting to hear from someone for so long. That someone that I care for believes that we are, and always have been, meant to be, that someone truly loves me when I am being me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me no matter what. Maybe we are meant to be, but it is still too late. When it comes to recycling there should be a time frame for how much time that is allowed to pass before doing so, recycling that is, and 11 years should be too much. And I gave my heart to another man some time ago, and I haven’t gotten it back yet.

But still, his words make me very happy. The greatest gift of all is to love and to be loved in return. And I know that my old ex will meet another soulmate one day, because he is an amazing man. If you do not speak Swedish, please use Google Translate. These messages made me, and still make me, the happiest girl alive since they are so beautiful. I still read them every day and dream that my special someone will feel that way for me one day.

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