My reality – a summary of my past two years

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Finally. I found time to write again. The energy and the ability to manage both day job and night job, those extra hours that I do not have to do but that I love and therefore I do them anyhow. A full time job, a part time job, that extra time more at my third job and on top of that all the mingling, events and quality time with colleagues and loved ones. Puh, it has been some busy months since I got back from the U.S in January. No, honestly, there has been a busy life since I moved to Stockholm. Or diverse anyhow. Busy in a dissimilar manner since time suddenly flies in such a different way compared to Gothenburg. Everything is so far away in Stockholm, everything takes more time when it comes to logistics and all I want and need to do demands more planning. And in Stockholm there are so many more things that I have to attend, so many more events where I for my own sake should make an appearance to make a name out of myself.  I love it but I have felt tired, worn out because of all the must do:s, but now along with spring I am finally getting it together.

Sweden as a country is getting an awakening which is hard to understand if you do not live here. We are talking about a nation where we do not see more than a few hours of sun per day most part of the year, if we are even so lucky to the see sun at all. Therefore, every year in May when the sun shows itself from early morning until late afternoon Swedes feel more alive and I also realize that I walk around smiling, laughing, dancing – such a great epiphany. And this time, this year, I feel that I have found happiness again.

I have gotten a lot of questions about recaps and summaries about my life, and I am going to try to keep it short and simple. It has been quite a journey, my past two years. Got back to Sweden after some time in South Africa where I actually met someone that I still think about from time to time. Unfortunately we were, departed by seas, and we didn’t know if we were interested in anything long distance. Then he got sick and said that he didn’t want us to keep in touch anymore and today I do not know if he is still alive. I tried to contact him but no answer, and I probably have to live with that incertitude forever. Instead I moved to Stockholm, met another guy that I thought was the man of my life. Moved in with him, switched jobs and went to Sri Lanka. Got back, switched jobs again, went to Malaysia. When back in Sweden I switched jobs once more and moved all my stuff from Gothenburg to Stockholm.

My doctors took tests that showed that my body was worn out mentally and that there was something stressing me, my brain had scars that it didn’t have before I moved to Stockholm. I got scared and I broke it off with the guy that I loved so much and travelled to Poland to create some memories. Changes of environment are good for you. Poland was good for me. Its environments too. Dumplings and vodka were great for me – about good 2 kg up for me.

Got back, worked my ass off once again and lost those 2 kg while doing those long weeks that are almost double the amount of what you should do when it comes to work. Cried myself to sleep since I was so tired, bought an apartment and went to the US and managed to gain 3 kg of love. Returned to Sweden, met my ex from ages ago and got confused about all the feelings inside. Felt torn and tangled, lost all the pounds gained, realized that there were feelings from back then that were coming to life, but I still decided that the best thing ever was to give everything up with him. Still is the best thing, still do not regret that even though I love him as a person. We were soulmates back then, not now. I realize that I have made some great advertisement for him since so many readers have contacted me about his whereabouts, if I truly recommend him so deeply. And I do, I very much do. The whole situation feels a bit strange though… I spoke to him about this the other day and said that even though I wish him all the best it feels a bit weird being his pimp, that I won’t stand in the way for something beautiful of course but I won’t hook him up either. He totally understood that, and I think the feeling is mutual, he does not want to be the link to my future husband even though he wants me to be happy. So, to all my readers that want to date him, go catch – but do not use me as a messenger.

Spent more hours working than sleeping, eating and exercising all together since I didn’t want to have time to think nor feel. Got the diagnosis codependency. Lost some more weight and people started noticing. Still stated to the world that enough is enough and decided to quit my day job. Went on some dates because I wanted love to be easy. Wanted to listen to people that say that love does not have to feel like you have been struck by lightning. That I for once should let love grow on me – see it breed and nurture. I don’t know though, but I love the tornado with its thunder and fireworks. Had some wine with a friend that I met 9 years ago while celebrating Midsummer in Stockholm. I told him my story about how I attract and enjoy bad weather and it turns out that my friend feels the exact way when it comes to love.  And he, with his 52 years, told me from experience that my love Life always will be like this. That love will continue to knock me off my feet since that is the only type of love that will ever satisfy me. He is right, I do love rocket fuel, and will probably continue to do so because I do not know anything else. When I thought about it I became so grateful. I have had the possibility to experience lightning three times in my life, some people never get to experience it at all.

I don’t really know yet about my day job. The only thing I know is that it will work out fine in the end. I know that 2015 is the year when I decided to follow my heart and my gut, and that those guidelines created by my intuition never could be a mistake. There is a job that I really hope to get, but nothing is done until the fat lady sings. We will wait and see if it is mine to obtain. Besides that, I am in several recruitments, so I’ve got both a B and a C, almost also a Z, plan. Everything will work out fine even though people keep telling me that I am crazy to quit my job before I have anything new for sure. Those people do not understand though, that something life has taught me is that everything has a meaning and that fate is on my side. That means no worries.

I went to lunch with a very good friend the other day and received an invitation to her wedding in a bottle. I am so happy for her that I could cry, which I almost did when I got the invitation. We spoke about ups and downs in ours and everybody else’s lives and I got the question how I am doing, for real. In that particular moment I felt so much gratitude, for her and all other great people and things in my life. And also for all the things that I am not fully satisfied with, because crap make me appreciate all goodness. I told her everything I have written above and said that a lot of things in my life are really messy right now, but that I’m still happier than I have been in a very long time. Because I have made some decisions the past 6 months that makes it easier to breathe. And I like breathing.

So what can I say? The summary is this. My past 2 years have been like riding a rollercoaster, both ups and downs just the way life should be. I realize that I have found happiness again, even though my life might be messier and more unclear than ever. Still I am happy, it must be because I am walking in the sun, thinking of all the great things in my life that make me smile. And on a sunny day you can see me dancing along the docks.

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The answer to your question – It did not become a fairytale

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Gratitude is the word of the day, the week, the month. I can’t even explain how grateful I am for all the response I have gotten for my blog and my recent posts, and it feels over whelming that thousands of people around the globe read my texts, feel that they can recognize themselves in my words. Thank you for this, I am amazed and filled with appreciation for the fact that people who do not know me, never been to Sweden or even know the whereabouts of this country, still identify themselves with my thoughts lately. What can I say, the language of love is worldwide. Even though we speak different tongues we still feel the same. Love, and its consequences, is international. And lately I have been loving everything that has entered my life.

The most asked question recently, after my last post, has been “Then what happened?” Unfortunately I haven’t had the time to answer all the emails, even though I read them all, therefore I decided to do the follow up story in my next post. This post. And try to answer as many questions as possible and at the same time set some things straight.

No, we did not get back together. There is no great fairytale where we ended up deciding that we should live happily ever after. I do not even know if there are such things as fairytales in real life, there might be none. I was too insecure about my own feelings, and yes, I could have given it some more time to figure out if they were real or just sentimentality, but honestly I didn’t feel the need. He is a fantastic man, one of the best that I have ever met. I am lucky to have him in my life. But it felt like we would never had found a great solution for making it work. Not back then, not now, and that means that someone sooner or later would have gotten hurt. I do not want to be that person, but I also love him too much to be able to live with myself if I were to hurt him. Yes, I do love him, but then again I love all my exes in one way or another. That does not mean that I am in love with them. There is a difference. Anyhow, I do not want to hurt anyone ever, and definitely not him.

Think before you judge. A few people found my last post a bit sharp, and that I put my ex in a delicate situation leaving him out there with my words. That I should have spoken to him before putting down my feelings in text and sharing it with the world. My question is, to you who gave me this feedback, why do you think that I did not speak to him first? Of course I did. He got to know what I had written. And he knew that I would write even before I started to put down my thoughts on paper. You can read his response below. We know each other well, and we are still very good at communicating – that has never been our problem. Why would we ever stop to communicate? Therefore, please be a better person and think before you judge. Everything is not always as it seems, get to know the bigger picture before you judge.

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In Sweden we have a saying, never say never. Therefore I won’t say that time and destiny will never be on our side. One day might be that perfect day for us to start all over, I do not know yet. I do know that right now is not that particular day though. We live like 400 kilometers apart. No one wants to move. Not now anyhow. That is why, on the question “will you get back together?”, my answer is simple. Maybe. I don’t know. Not right now, but we will probably meet in Globen or some other work out convention in the future. Time will tell. And right now I am enjoying my newfound life too much, the spring in Stockholm is amazing and I am sure that the summer to come will be also.

Again, thank you for all your feedback. I do truly love it. I will post something about my present life very soon, I just have to make my life puzzle work. I do have several news that have entered my life recently, but time flies and I have no time to elaborate. Therefore this time I will leave you with a cliffhanger and a promise to update my blog very soon.