Detaljer som gör min helhet

Jag lovade att skriva och tankar kring det löftet har figurerat hela dagen, men det är först nu jag kommer till skott. Har ni tänkt på lätt det är att skjuta på saker, hitta undanflykter till att inte ta tag i något direkt när tanken når ens medvetenhet? Kanske är det bara jag som dagligen tvingar mig själv att inte skjuta på saker, lever efter GTD. Get Things Done. Gör dem direkt, speciellt om det tar mindre än en minut. Studier visar att just de enkla sakerna som egentligen inte tar någon tid, det är de om vi tenderar att glömma bort. Detaljerna. Och det är faktiskt detaljerna som gör helheten.

Just nu sitter jag på många stolar, jonglerar med mängder av bollar och styr vardagen med järnhand för att få ihop en vettig verklighet. Heltidsjobb, deltidsjobb, festfix och umgänge med människor jag älskar. Hade besök från USA och lyckades hålla deadlines men samtidigt agera reseledare, vara partygeneral och kunde faktiskt mota Olle i grind när det kom till ett grinigt ryggskott. Har vävt ihop alla tåtar till ett bastant knyte av röda trådar när det kommer till vår födelsedagsfest och gläder oss åt att dryga 100 personer kommer att närvara på vår födelsedag. Oss. Två enkla flickor från landet. Men ändå, fan vad bra vi är, måste vara, annars hade ju ingen velat fira oss. Och detaljerna faller på plats mer och mer för var dag som går, både när det gäller festen och mig som människa.

Jag fick ett fråga om kärlek, varför jag inte skriver så mycket om den. Ja, varför? Kanske är jag inte riktigt redo att dela med mig av mina tankar och känslor. Kanske har jag inte riktigt tänkt färdigt kring vad jag faktiskt vill. Men visst, det finns någon jag tänker på, mycket och ofta. Det är bara det att igen, detaljerna gör helheten, och allt är inte riktigt på plats i min egna dagdröm. Vi får se vad som händer. Jag tar det dag för dag, steg för steg.

Jag har haft möjlighet att spendera tid med många fantastiska människor det senaste, men två har stått ut. Två riktigt ljuvliga vänner. Två människor som fyller mig med glädje och gör mig lycklig.

En flicka som gått igenom så mycket svårigheter men ändå ger med hela hjärtat, alltid. Som alltid är närvarande och som, trots smärta och sorg, älskar på ett vis jag inte ens visste fanns. Som skickade ett SMS som fick mig att gråta av tacksamhet. Ett meddelande som jag verkligen behövde där och då, som förvisso bara var en detalj i sammanhanget, men ändå så nödvändigt. Ibland vill kroppen bara få ur sig känslor och jag snyftade friskt på tunnelbanan, hulkade samtidigt som jag försökte andas genom skrattet. Genom leendet. Det måste sett otroligt underligt ut när allt brakade ihop där vid Slussen, det är tur att jag bor i Stockholm där alla ser vad som händer men ingen lägger sig i.

En pojke som lyfter mig och får mig att skratta så jag viker mig, ringer mig mitt i natten för att sjunga en sång. Skickar en låttext som beskriver hur han ser på mig och vad han uppskattar med mig. Hela tiden finns där full av uppmuntran och vägledning. Alltid ger energi och kraft, alltid visar respekt och lyhördhet på vad jag vill och behöver, behandlar mig precis så som jag behandlar honom.

Dom här två budskapen är helt klart bäst just nu och jag säger det igen, om det finns någon som du bryr dig om, tveka inte. Säg det, visa det. Du kommer göra någons dag, någon vecka, någons månad. Bara med den lilla detaljen.

Texten från pojken. Klicka på länken nedan. Helt klart det bästa i musikvärlden just nu.

Let your hair down

”Let Your Hair Down”
There she goes, there she goes, there she goes
There’s nothing better than my beautiful woman
Even though, even though, even though
It’s not always heaven, we still fly together

To me you are more than just skin and bones
You are elegance and freedom and everything I know
So come on and…

Baby let your hair down
Let me run my fingers through it
We can be ourselves now
Go ahead, be foolish
No one’s on the clock now
Lying in this simple moment
You don’t gotta worry now
Just let your hair down

Tell me when, tell me when, tell me when
When I can steal a sweet kiss right from you
I’m diving in, I’m diving in, I’m diving in
The water’s warm right here

You don’t gotta worry
Let your hair down
It’s only us here, only us here, only us here
It’s only us here, only us here, only us here
It’s only us here, only us here, it’s only us here

SMS:et från flickan.

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Annonser

Tankar kring flyktingvågen, den allmänne svensken och landet brunsås

hand

Och så var det dags, ett nytt blogginlägg, men nu på svenska. Igen. Men det känns bra, jag vet så klart att jag nu inte på samma sätta kan nå ut och förändra världen, men frågan är hur mycket jag gjorde det bara för att jag förr skrev på engelska. Oklart. Men jag får göra det jag älskar, skriva, om det jag tänker på och brinner för. Det är värt så mycket. Och löftet är minst en gång i veckan. Om jag säger det högt så måste det vara sant. Då är det officiellt och jag måste hålla det för att inte framstå som en lögnaktig idiot. Håll i hatten, nu skall det bli skriva av. Hoppas jag.

Just nu tänker jag mycket på flyktingar. Invandrare. Sorgen jag känner inför att så många människor måste lämna sina hem och fly hals över huvud för att livet är dem kärt. Bedrövelsen som de känner inför att lämna det som de egentligen förknippar med trygghet, men som numera bara innebär krig och förödelse. Allt trauma som massa människor måste gå igenom för att det är livsfarligt för dem att bara vara hemma. Jag sörjer att de kastar sig i små och halvt fungerande båtar för att överleva, vissa bara för att att gå en än snabbare död till mötes när båten sjunker och de som flydde för att överleva sjunker till botten eftersom de inte kan simma. Jag gråter när jag ser bilder på en död, ilandspolad treåring som inte orkade hålla sig ovan ytan. Jag tänker att det inte skall behövas sådana bilder för att vi som har det bättre ställt skall vilja hjälpa. Agera.

Men jag tänker också på glädjen som jag känner när det kommer till Europas, och definitivt Sveriges, vilja att nu öppna upp. Hur vi sträcker ut handen och delar med oss, välkomnar de som har det svårt till vårt land, våra hem och våra hjärtan. Gläds över det faktum att hela Götaplatsen i Göteborg fylldes upp av tusentals människor som ville bidra, dra sitt strå till stacken och verkligen markerade sitt ställningstagande genom att säga att Sverige har plats för dem som verkligen behöver det. Njuter av att vår stadsminister reser runt i Europa med ståndpunkt att nu banne mig ska vi hjälpas åt, nu ska alla länder ta emot inte bara det som man vill, utan helt enkelt så mycket som man kan.

Dock, det finns ett mörkt moln vid horisonten som skrämmer mig. Det som oroar mig är nämligen tanken gällande oss svenskar, om vi förstår vad denna flyktingvåg, och den hjälp som krävs, innebär i det långa loppet. Det är så bra, så vackert, i teorin att hjälpa nu, men vi kommer konsekvent behöva öppna upp i flera år framöver för att dessa människor skall bli en del av vårt samhälle. För att integrera dem. På riktigt. Det räcker inte att gå med i en Facebookgrupp eller skänka pengar en gång. Tvärtom behövs mer långväga insatser som jag inte är säker på att den allmänne svensken förstår. Vi kommer troligen behöva höja våra skatter för att kunna öka bidragen till kommunerna och det arbete som kommer krävas på mark- samt rotnivå. Hur mycket är ännu oklart, men fortfarande. Så klart bidrar denna flyktingvåg till välfärden eftersom det mestadels är goda, välutbildade, driftiga människor och så vidare som kommer (det där är en helt annan diskussion som jag inte tänker gå in på nu) men jag är ledsen, det spelar ingen roll. Det första steget är fortfarande att pengar måste skjutas till någonstans ifrån och även om det finns avsatta resurser för detta så kan det vara så att dessa inte räcker. Som sagt, invandrarfrågan är positiv om man ser till välfärden, men man måste förstå att efter en sådan här insats så tar det ett tag innan man hamnar på plus. Och det oroar mig för jag tror inte den generelle svensken, ni vet hen som är otroligt duktig på att klaga och gnälla, förstår det.

Är det någon annan än jag som har tänkt på hur tysta Sverigedemokraterna är i den här diskussionen? Jag förstår ju det, för inte kan de göra som de andra politikerna och uppmana invandring, då skulle de förlora alla väljare med främlingsfientligt tänk. De människor som faktiskt förstår vilka grunder och ideologier som SD grundar sin politik på men som röstar på detta parti ändå. Sverigedemokraterna kan heller inte säga att man INTE vill ta emot människor som flyr för att överleva, då förlorar man ju de väljare som faktiskt tror på medmänsklighet och enbart röstar på SD eftersom de som röstberättigade är missnöjda med alla andra partier och värnar om sitt lands hemkultur men absolut inte är rasister. Det där är ytterligare en diskussion som jag inte tänker ta just nu, men mest eftersom det har varit en lång vecka och människors dumhet gör mig förbannad. Tvärtom tänker jag hålla med SD och deras framtoning i den här specifika frågan, jag förstår att de är tysta för vad de än säger så kommer det gå åt helvete. Och om du inte har något vettigt att säga, håll käften då, faktiskt. Enligt mig hade de utifrån det kunnat vara tysta typ jämt men som sagt, det är inte den diskussionen som det här blogginlägget handlar om.

Det som oroar mig är bara att när svensken börjar klaga, det är då Sverigedemokraterna kommer slå från det underläge där de nu befinner sig, liksom vingla in från höger. När svensken glömt hur viktigt det är att hjälpa sina medmänniskor och gnäller över att hen har mindre i plånboken än någonsin, kanske förlorat det där jobbet till den mer kompetenta personen som bara bott i Sverige i några år. Eller när någon av flyktingarna gör något olagligt och media smäller upp det på löpet tillsammans med värdeladdade ord. Och så vidare och så vidare. Då kommer SD finnas där och säga vad var det vi sa. Och helt enkelt spela på¨att ”Jo, visst ska man hjälpa, men bara sina äkta landsmän”. Och den där skaran av svenskar som inte är rasister kommer rösta på Sverigedemokraterna igen.

Det är det här som jag går och tänker på just nu, funderar på hur vi kan få svensken att minnas. Hur vi kan komma förbi gnället och den klagan som blir naturlig när vi glömmer syftet med vårt tidigare handlande. Hur vi kan öka medvetandet och hur vi kan påminna varandra när det kommer till vårt agerande och dess konsekvenser.

Alla kan inte göra allt, eller ens mycket i vissa fall. Men alla kan göra något. Jag kan skriva och hoppas att jag når ut, hoppas att du som läser det här kommer ihåg varför höjda skatter hade och fortfarande har ett syfte, varför det är upp till dig att hålla dig konkurrenskraftig på arbetsmarknaden, varför du inte skall tro på allt som media förmedlar och att det sällan speglar en helhet utan tvärtom specifika fall, varför och hur just du har ett ansvar inte bara mot dina medmänniskor utan även mot dig själv. Det är ditt samvete, ditt liv. Och trots att vi bor i landet brunsås, präglat av jantelag och där man klagar på att chipsen är för små för att dippa, om något liknande hände dig så hade du velat att något hjälpte dig.

Länge, och ett bra tag till efter det.

New beginnings

I know, once again I suck. I always seem to say and write that I will be try so much better, so much harder, when it comes to updating my blog. This time was no exception, instead I have been focusing on living and laughing, and I have to say that this summer was one of the best summers ever. Cause I finished things that I should have left long ago.

2015 was the year of new beginnings. I had the time of my life during New Year’s in NYC. When back in Sweden, I moved to a new apartment, quit my job when winter turned to spring and got a new one. Got some good news and some great news, met some amazing people that showed me important things in life. Reunited with people that I thought had left my heart. Worked out more than ever and got some results that I never thought were possible. And just like the movie, attended four weddings and a funeral.

Now summer is turning in to fall and I realize that it is time to wake up from that happy dormancy that I have been living lately. Enjoying the outstanding karma that I have had for months, feeling the gratitude permeating my body. Settling in at my new office, pimping it with flowers and photos of beloved ones. And then I got that email, and later on that call, that I never thought would occur. When cleaning your apartment and realizing that you cry out of happiness, then you know that you should only feel gratitude.

The email: Hi, my name is XXX and I work for XXX. I have seen you around, attended your dance classes and I follow you on Instagram. I have to say that your energy mixed with your personality and looks would be perfect for our company. Therefore we would like you to be our spokesperson and model for our completely new brand.

I have never ever been so flattered, and it was probably the shallow part of me that agreed to this. And I have to say, the pictures that they arranged to be taken were beautiful. I have not done modelling jobs for almost 20 years, but honestly I have to say that the photos were nice. The whole thing felt very mature. I did not use my real name. I did not show myself entirely in my underwear. And the photos will not be used in Sweden just yet. It was fun, even though I am sure that this was one of those things that only happens one time at this stage in life, like once in a blue moon. Still grateful though, this recognition made great deeds for my self-esteem.

The phonecall: It was the voice of a man and I always get suspicious and offish (but still curios) when I don’t recognize the number.

Hi there, is this Shamone speaking?

When I said yes he continued, said that he called from a huge website connected to a newspaper in Sweden and that he had read my blog. That he loved my way of writing and that he wanted to me to write for them, like different chronicles. That they would pay me good money to write for them but with me as a consigner, not mentioning them. That they were to choose the topics but that I would continue to write my opinions, my thoughts, on my own blog. That I could post anything I wanted as long as they were to proofread it first.

I have seen this before, at an old job of mine we paid popular bloggers to write about our products, pretending that they could not live without that specific thing that we wanted them to market. I really do not like that way of marketing, to me it is not honest. Therefore my answer was direct and clear.

Do you want to buy me? That won’t happen since I don’t care about the money, I write because I love it. I can’t be bought, but I am very complimented by the fact that you like my writing.

Of course he didn’t accept my answer, everyone needs more money, wants more credit, needs more appreciation. And it is true, but still, I want to write what is in my heart, what I believe in, and my epiphanies. You can never buy that.

But I do love writing and since he didn’t concede and I didn’t have the time to explain why he should shut up and shut down we made a deal. They will give me subjects that they want me to write about. I will look at their topics, but that’s it. I will write about whatever makes me happy, if they would be so lucky that I choose one of their themes, then gratitude is the only word that should describe their state of mind. They won’t get to proofread anything and they will not pay me a dime, I will get some benefits though. They will in some ways recommend my blog to their readers, connect my URL to their website and a few thigs more. And I will from now on only write in Swedish.

Good deal? Bad deal? I do not know yet, but for now I am satisfied. I am sure that I will write about one of their specific subjects once in a while, cause it was topics that actually appealed to me and my way of living. Therefore I am so sorry when it comes to my international followers, from now on I guess that you need to use google translate to understand my writing.

I was in the mood for a change, and I think this is a part of what I have been seeking. There will be more to come. In Swedish.

A-New-Beginning-with-God

The final countdown

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The 25th of every month, and for me also 27th, means paychecks and money in the bank. I feel like a true adult when I realize that I earn more than I spend even though I am not cheap in any way. Frightening. Took a walk on the wild side and applied for my first Amex, thinking that they probably would deny me because of several reasons like age, gender and income, but they didn’t. Instead, after some research and extractions on their behalf, they said that there was only a 0, 8 % chance that I wouldn’t be able to pay my bills and that they saw me as a sure thing. I laughed out loud when I got that notification. I can’t count, I do not care about costs at all, but sure, I would never live beyond my means. Still, it was funny, me and my economy – two contrarieties – together we were safe according to a huge company that should understand digits. In my head, so strange, but then again opposites attract. And for them to accept me and my expenses, that must mean that I am turning into an adult for real. I just forgot to tell them that I quit my day job without signing with a new company. That I am this impulsive creature that follow my heart instead of doing what many people say is the grown up way to act. No, I am not an adult, not just yet. But the final countdown has started, I am turning 35 in October. Still, I do not really know all my goals for the future just yet, but I am working towards something better on all levels, that I know. The important part right now is that I am enjoying myself. And an upcoming summer is the perfect time for enjoyment, I see it as months of pure fun until it is time to even think about settling down.

Looking forward to a hot summer in Stockholm, we will travel some but most of the time I will be here. People have been asking me lately what’s been up, if I have done some treatments or something else to my face since apparently I am glowing. Honestly I haven’t done anything except enjoying springtime and flattened my hair, but I have also seen a difference. I actually saw myself in the mirror when trying on some clothes at H&M and realized that I have become somewhat beautiful, that I in some way have grown in to my face. And that the keratin treatment might be the best thing that I have ever done, which probably is the reason for my newfound self-esteem. Got stopped on the street by a man who was looking for models and wanted to take my photo, which was a huge boost of course. He was not interested at all when I told him my age though, but still. Still a boost and boosts are good for you, I think the sun brings out the best of me and my hair. I booked another hair treatment as soon as I got back to the office and I paid for it with my new Amex. Very mature.

There are so many new people in my life. Got to know my new colleague who is the same age as me. Spoke about deep stuff like our tattoos, how we both spent time at Ibiza and Magaluf, the way we both have lived and how he ran like hell when he got to know that he was to become a father. And how he came back after 2 weeks of reflections, a decision that he describes as the best one that he has ever made. Great guy and a great story. Met my new neighbor who recently got back to Sweden after several years abroad, lovely girl who has taken sort of kind of the same path that I took some years ago. Broke off an engagement, worked out like crazy, bought an apartment, started a new job, moved back to start a new life, started one more job, redid her apartment and finally got all her shit together in a beautiful way. I totally recognize every step of her way, I have taken them myself, and I am so glad to see that she is happy. And that she is my neighbor.

For the past year I have had that feeling that I am getting ready for something, that I am waiting for that great revelation that will change my life. Suddenly I feel it approaching and I do not know what it is, but I am preparing myself for something huge because there is a countdown, the final one. My gut tells me that the changes is around the corner, but until then, I do not want to grow up. I am enjoying every bit of the ride, sure of the fact that there are so much more to come this summer, it has already started. I will keep you posted.

 

I don’t wanna grow up – by Bebe

I don’t wanna grow up, no I don’t wanna grow up

I’m still naive

Young, wild and free I don’t wanna hear it, no I don’t wanna feel it

Don’t lecture me Just let me be If love is a lie It’s the most beautiful lie that you’ve ever been told

Cause nothin’, nothin’ makes me feel like you do

Even though I see through you If love is a lie

Then please don’t ever tell me the truth

Cause nothin’, nothin’ makes me feel like you do

Even though I see through you   I don’t wanna live it, no I don’t wanna live it

Reality

Just not for me Like cheap tequila

Makes you sick but it tastes so good

Feels good on your lips, take a sip

Just one more hit I love it when you do it, when you do it like this

When you do it, when you do it like this

My reality – a summary of my past two years

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Finally. I found time to write again. The energy and the ability to manage both day job and night job, those extra hours that I do not have to do but that I love and therefore I do them anyhow. A full time job, a part time job, that extra time more at my third job and on top of that all the mingling, events and quality time with colleagues and loved ones. Puh, it has been some busy months since I got back from the U.S in January. No, honestly, there has been a busy life since I moved to Stockholm. Or diverse anyhow. Busy in a dissimilar manner since time suddenly flies in such a different way compared to Gothenburg. Everything is so far away in Stockholm, everything takes more time when it comes to logistics and all I want and need to do demands more planning. And in Stockholm there are so many more things that I have to attend, so many more events where I for my own sake should make an appearance to make a name out of myself.  I love it but I have felt tired, worn out because of all the must do:s, but now along with spring I am finally getting it together.

Sweden as a country is getting an awakening which is hard to understand if you do not live here. We are talking about a nation where we do not see more than a few hours of sun per day most part of the year, if we are even so lucky to the see sun at all. Therefore, every year in May when the sun shows itself from early morning until late afternoon Swedes feel more alive and I also realize that I walk around smiling, laughing, dancing – such a great epiphany. And this time, this year, I feel that I have found happiness again.

I have gotten a lot of questions about recaps and summaries about my life, and I am going to try to keep it short and simple. It has been quite a journey, my past two years. Got back to Sweden after some time in South Africa where I actually met someone that I still think about from time to time. Unfortunately we were, departed by seas, and we didn’t know if we were interested in anything long distance. Then he got sick and said that he didn’t want us to keep in touch anymore and today I do not know if he is still alive. I tried to contact him but no answer, and I probably have to live with that incertitude forever. Instead I moved to Stockholm, met another guy that I thought was the man of my life. Moved in with him, switched jobs and went to Sri Lanka. Got back, switched jobs again, went to Malaysia. When back in Sweden I switched jobs once more and moved all my stuff from Gothenburg to Stockholm.

My doctors took tests that showed that my body was worn out mentally and that there was something stressing me, my brain had scars that it didn’t have before I moved to Stockholm. I got scared and I broke it off with the guy that I loved so much and travelled to Poland to create some memories. Changes of environment are good for you. Poland was good for me. Its environments too. Dumplings and vodka were great for me – about good 2 kg up for me.

Got back, worked my ass off once again and lost those 2 kg while doing those long weeks that are almost double the amount of what you should do when it comes to work. Cried myself to sleep since I was so tired, bought an apartment and went to the US and managed to gain 3 kg of love. Returned to Sweden, met my ex from ages ago and got confused about all the feelings inside. Felt torn and tangled, lost all the pounds gained, realized that there were feelings from back then that were coming to life, but I still decided that the best thing ever was to give everything up with him. Still is the best thing, still do not regret that even though I love him as a person. We were soulmates back then, not now. I realize that I have made some great advertisement for him since so many readers have contacted me about his whereabouts, if I truly recommend him so deeply. And I do, I very much do. The whole situation feels a bit strange though… I spoke to him about this the other day and said that even though I wish him all the best it feels a bit weird being his pimp, that I won’t stand in the way for something beautiful of course but I won’t hook him up either. He totally understood that, and I think the feeling is mutual, he does not want to be the link to my future husband even though he wants me to be happy. So, to all my readers that want to date him, go catch – but do not use me as a messenger.

Spent more hours working than sleeping, eating and exercising all together since I didn’t want to have time to think nor feel. Got the diagnosis codependency. Lost some more weight and people started noticing. Still stated to the world that enough is enough and decided to quit my day job. Went on some dates because I wanted love to be easy. Wanted to listen to people that say that love does not have to feel like you have been struck by lightning. That I for once should let love grow on me – see it breed and nurture. I don’t know though, but I love the tornado with its thunder and fireworks. Had some wine with a friend that I met 9 years ago while celebrating Midsummer in Stockholm. I told him my story about how I attract and enjoy bad weather and it turns out that my friend feels the exact way when it comes to love.  And he, with his 52 years, told me from experience that my love Life always will be like this. That love will continue to knock me off my feet since that is the only type of love that will ever satisfy me. He is right, I do love rocket fuel, and will probably continue to do so because I do not know anything else. When I thought about it I became so grateful. I have had the possibility to experience lightning three times in my life, some people never get to experience it at all.

I don’t really know yet about my day job. The only thing I know is that it will work out fine in the end. I know that 2015 is the year when I decided to follow my heart and my gut, and that those guidelines created by my intuition never could be a mistake. There is a job that I really hope to get, but nothing is done until the fat lady sings. We will wait and see if it is mine to obtain. Besides that, I am in several recruitments, so I’ve got both a B and a C, almost also a Z, plan. Everything will work out fine even though people keep telling me that I am crazy to quit my job before I have anything new for sure. Those people do not understand though, that something life has taught me is that everything has a meaning and that fate is on my side. That means no worries.

I went to lunch with a very good friend the other day and received an invitation to her wedding in a bottle. I am so happy for her that I could cry, which I almost did when I got the invitation. We spoke about ups and downs in ours and everybody else’s lives and I got the question how I am doing, for real. In that particular moment I felt so much gratitude, for her and all other great people and things in my life. And also for all the things that I am not fully satisfied with, because crap make me appreciate all goodness. I told her everything I have written above and said that a lot of things in my life are really messy right now, but that I’m still happier than I have been in a very long time. Because I have made some decisions the past 6 months that makes it easier to breathe. And I like breathing.

So what can I say? The summary is this. My past 2 years have been like riding a rollercoaster, both ups and downs just the way life should be. I realize that I have found happiness again, even though my life might be messier and more unclear than ever. Still I am happy, it must be because I am walking in the sun, thinking of all the great things in my life that make me smile. And on a sunny day you can see me dancing along the docks.

verklighet

The answer to your question – It did not become a fairytale

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Gratitude is the word of the day, the week, the month. I can’t even explain how grateful I am for all the response I have gotten for my blog and my recent posts, and it feels over whelming that thousands of people around the globe read my texts, feel that they can recognize themselves in my words. Thank you for this, I am amazed and filled with appreciation for the fact that people who do not know me, never been to Sweden or even know the whereabouts of this country, still identify themselves with my thoughts lately. What can I say, the language of love is worldwide. Even though we speak different tongues we still feel the same. Love, and its consequences, is international. And lately I have been loving everything that has entered my life.

The most asked question recently, after my last post, has been “Then what happened?” Unfortunately I haven’t had the time to answer all the emails, even though I read them all, therefore I decided to do the follow up story in my next post. This post. And try to answer as many questions as possible and at the same time set some things straight.

No, we did not get back together. There is no great fairytale where we ended up deciding that we should live happily ever after. I do not even know if there are such things as fairytales in real life, there might be none. I was too insecure about my own feelings, and yes, I could have given it some more time to figure out if they were real or just sentimentality, but honestly I didn’t feel the need. He is a fantastic man, one of the best that I have ever met. I am lucky to have him in my life. But it felt like we would never had found a great solution for making it work. Not back then, not now, and that means that someone sooner or later would have gotten hurt. I do not want to be that person, but I also love him too much to be able to live with myself if I were to hurt him. Yes, I do love him, but then again I love all my exes in one way or another. That does not mean that I am in love with them. There is a difference. Anyhow, I do not want to hurt anyone ever, and definitely not him.

Think before you judge. A few people found my last post a bit sharp, and that I put my ex in a delicate situation leaving him out there with my words. That I should have spoken to him before putting down my feelings in text and sharing it with the world. My question is, to you who gave me this feedback, why do you think that I did not speak to him first? Of course I did. He got to know what I had written. And he knew that I would write even before I started to put down my thoughts on paper. You can read his response below. We know each other well, and we are still very good at communicating – that has never been our problem. Why would we ever stop to communicate? Therefore, please be a better person and think before you judge. Everything is not always as it seems, get to know the bigger picture before you judge.

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In Sweden we have a saying, never say never. Therefore I won’t say that time and destiny will never be on our side. One day might be that perfect day for us to start all over, I do not know yet. I do know that right now is not that particular day though. We live like 400 kilometers apart. No one wants to move. Not now anyhow. That is why, on the question “will you get back together?”, my answer is simple. Maybe. I don’t know. Not right now, but we will probably meet in Globen or some other work out convention in the future. Time will tell. And right now I am enjoying my newfound life too much, the spring in Stockholm is amazing and I am sure that the summer to come will be also.

Again, thank you for all your feedback. I do truly love it. I will post something about my present life very soon, I just have to make my life puzzle work. I do have several news that have entered my life recently, but time flies and I have no time to elaborate. Therefore this time I will leave you with a cliffhanger and a promise to update my blog very soon.

Recycling your ex – deal or no deal?

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The other day I once again realized that you never know what will happen in life. Things that you are over, relations that you think that you have ended, might cross your path later on in life by coincidence. Or maybe someone else’s choices. The funny part is your own reaction in that particular situation, the way you feel and react. Again, life never turns out the way you expected it to.

12 years ago I attended the university and I met this guy. That guy. The one who made my heart pound, made me hum and croon and made me feel like I was walking on sunshine. I was so much in love, and until recently I thought that I would never ever feel anything close to that for anyone again, but fortunately time heals all wounded hearts. I do remember that we had a great relationship in the beginning, but after a while things got out of hand. Except from that I seem to have repressed it all. I do that when things get too rough. I forget. And learn how to live without that person including the memories. I was the one who broke up, cause we were not on the same page in life. We were young, too young, but I had already seen the world, spoke several languages and knew where I wanted life to take me. He had never been abroad and no dreams what so ever concerning conquering the world. Värmland was too small for me, at the time it was enough for him. It was really hard to leave the relationship behind, especially since the feelings were still there, and it took me ages to get over him fully. Even though I was engaged to another man, whom I loved very much, I still thought of my ex from time to time, missing him and wondering what could have happened.

We both lived our lives and sometimes we ran in to each other along the way. Often during different work out conventions, and to me that man is very much Globen and the after party. He gave me some drunken proposals, we had so much fun and I ended up donating one of his garments to a homeless guy. We have been friends for ages and no matter our history our paths have crossed we have had a great time. Therefore it wasn’t too weird for me to meet up with him a couple of weeks ago when he contacted me and said that he was coming to Stockholm. We had never spoken about what happened back in 2003-2005 and my plan was not to do so either, we said that we were to go out for coffee and to me that is very casual and therefore no need for emotional conversations.

He picked me up at the gym and honestly I do not know how coffee became wine and him hanging paintings in my apartment. Well, he has always been helpful and a true handyman, the paintings were straight and the wine was good so no need to argue. Wine at my place became dinner at a fancy restaurant and some clubbing at Café Opera. During dinner he spoke lots and lots about what we used to do, what we used to be. That was the time when I realized that the mind is so clever. His lips was moving and I could hear him, but I had repressed everything. He spoke about movies, songs and our apartment. How we met and all the dates. I smiled and had some more wine. He spoke about memories and experiences and I laughed and had another drink. Honestly, it was so much fun to see him again, so much fun to talk to him like we used to, but the way he spoke about me was a bit scary though since I did not remember  anything. ANYTHING. It felt like I was lost in translation, that I had repressed years of my life, and that really made me think after we said good bye. It was not really good bye, it felt like there was a need of something more, the feeling of something coming to life was impending even though I was sure that it was not real, on the contrary sentimentality. But he said that he was sure, that it was real and we continued to speak and text until I got a slight panic attack.

I spoke to Jane about it, I truly love my sessions with her. I know I am paying great money for her time, but still. She always cleans me up, make me see things. Sure, my ex and I, we used to have something beautiful, and honestly in one way we still do. But it can never work, no matter what and we both know that. Even though I have repressed most things I do believe that this is only old feelings playing us, trying to trick us. He on the other hand says that he knows that his feelings are real, and he still tells me the loveliest things ever and makes me so happy. Cause everyone wants to feel loved and appreciated. But still, do not recycle even though his words make you jubilant and alive again. I know that it would never work because of the distance and all the other things that haven’t changed. And I know that I might be projecting feelings from my latest ex. If you are not completely over someone it’s stupid to start something new with someone else.

So I told him, my old ex. Said that I only want to be friends. That I care for him very much, but that I am not going to open that door since I do not want to watch the shit hit the fan again. I don’t remember it doing so, but I know it did and therefore it will again, sooner or later. I told him again that I do not believe that anything that we might feel is real, not anymore, there are only memories and I don’t even remember the good ones cause that is how I work. My body, heart and soul seem to remember something, but that is not enough. The brain has to play along too. In some ways he approved even though he did not agree completely, but finally he accepted my wishes. Before that he of course said all those beautiful things that I have been wanting to hear from someone for so long. That someone that I care for believes that we are, and always have been, meant to be, that someone truly loves me when I am being me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me no matter what. Maybe we are meant to be, but it is still too late. When it comes to recycling there should be a time frame for how much time that is allowed to pass before doing so, recycling that is, and 11 years should be too much. And I gave my heart to another man some time ago, and I haven’t gotten it back yet.

But still, his words make me very happy. The greatest gift of all is to love and to be loved in return. And I know that my old ex will meet another soulmate one day, because he is an amazing man. If you do not speak Swedish, please use Google Translate. These messages made me, and still make me, the happiest girl alive since they are so beautiful. I still read them every day and dream that my special someone will feel that way for me one day.

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